Last Wednesday, I was about 20 minutes late to knitting class, trying to find the bus stop, when I got a call from Katie very kindly and maybe a tad scared, asking if I knew I had booked our flights to Oslo for Thursday night not Thursday morning. Um. NO.
In 20 + years of booking flights, hotels, trips this has never happened to me. I felt terrible for possibly wasting money. I felt embarrassed for making the mistake. I felt annoyed because it was one more thing on a busy day.
After a couple deep breaths and positive self-talk which went something like this, "You are a smart, resourceful woman with hours in the day. Figure it out!", I was ready to explore all options.
Book a new flight at exorbitant rates? No thanks.
Keep flight and miss a day of exploration? I'll pass.
I knew that both of those options were not ideal and would have left me disgruntled and resentful. Then I asked myself, "What else am I missing?"
So we ended up taking the overnight train from Stavanger to Norway. Something neither of us had done before and were glad to have experienced. May not do it again as an odd sensation to feel jet lagged after a train ride that would have been a 50 minute train ride but I digress.
I could have easily just gone with an option above but in my gut I knew there was more than I was giving myself credit for.
Asking myself, "What else?" kept the possibilities open. It kept me looking for more options.
How do you handle life when you get derailed? Do you typically just call it a loss and begrudgingly go along or do you stop and think "What else?"
We are far more powerful than we give ourselves credit for. Trust your ability to find the "What Else" and see how your world shifts.
I know I say this all the time but I.AM.SO.EXCITED. to share this podcast with this world. In this bonus episode of Chill & Grace where you can experience first hand coaching! I was inspired by Esther Perel's podcast, Where Should we Begin?, where she shows real-time counseling session. What I love about her podcast is listening to the power of questions and listening to create aha moments and meaningful change. I wanted to show the same in coaching.
Coaching is so powerful. Its about discovering what is inside of you and the safe place to explore it. It's being open and transparent with yourself. It’s being held accountable for what you want by investing and dedicating resources to make your life work for you. Coaching is about taking the time to look at your current life and make changes to create the life you want.
In today's episode I have a session with Tameeka where we dive into Imposter syndrome and all the things that come with it!
If you want to experience coaching for yourself, there is no time like today. Email me at email@example.com with subject line Tameeka rocks for a complimentary session.
And if you like this podcast, please leave a review making it easier for others to find.
Fear comes in Hangry AF!
Wanting to be fed ASAP before it says things it will regret.I mean I don’t know from experience or anything.
One of the best things I have heard on fear recently is from Elizabeth Gilbert. Paraphrasing here but she talked about how she isn’t immune from feeling fear. What has changed is how she deals with it and that’s in that she welcomes it but that’s about it. She says “Thanks for showing up and trying to keep me safe. You can come on this journey but you have to sit in the backseat and can’t say anything.”
This has stuck with me.
In full transparency, there is a ton of uncertainty these days in our household and fears masked as frustration, anxiety and sadness are popping up. It feels like every option and outcome has even more uncertainty init. It's like a nesting doll of fear.
It's natural to feed those fears and honestly easier to feed into them than not. Our brains are hardwired to take the easy route and unfortunately feeding fears often comes more naturally than starving them out.
It takes awareness and work to acknowledge the fears you feel and the lessons it is trying to teach you but leave it at that. Feeding our fear only makes it come back for more. It's like feeding a stray cat. This feels like its my analogy limit for one post.
How are you feeding your fear these days? What can you do to stop feeding the fears and use the energy for things that will fuel you for success?
If you are full of fear try this three-step process to minimize the hunger pains you may be feeling.
1. Write them Down – It’s perfectly normal for us to feel fear but we don’t have to let it control our lives. Grab a pen and paper and write it down. Write down all the fears from small to large. Taking our fears from our head and heart to paper is one of the best ways to diminish the power of our fears. In our head they can become overwhelming but once we see them on paper, they often become a little less scary plus you know what you are really dealing with.
2. Measure your Fear – Now that you’ve written them down, ask yourself “On a scale of 1-10, how true is this?” Our minds run rampant often leading us to thoughts that aren’t even close to the truth. We can spiral from “I am fearful about losing my job” to “I will be destitute and homeless,” quicker than a Kyrgios serve. Okay THAT is my last analogy. Ask this question for each of your fears. Other questions to ask are “How certain is this to happen?” or “If it did happen, what could I do next?”
3. What is one action you can take to lessen the fear? - Fear and the other ways it manifest itself in worry, anxiety, helplessness, etc. can be combated by ONE thing. Action. When we continue to feed the fear, it lingers around waiting for more fuel, distracting us from moving forward with our lives. Looking back on your fears and how true they are, what is one thing you can do to counteract this. You may have a fear that is very real for you but I know there is at least one thing you can do to lessen the power of that fear.
You have a duty to live your best life and show up as your best self. You don ot have a duty to feed your fear every time it comes in begging for food.
Fear can stay Hangry AF. You have better things to do.
“I had the power to steer this and choose how it is going to go and to be the example of strength. For this to be about compassion and love and kindness and even a sense of humor when appropriate.And that was really important to me. This was a gift I could give to our future selves.”
Laurice had it all. Loving husband, four healthy kiddos and living in a beautiful community. She loved her life AND felt like there was something more out there for her. It wasn't until tragedy struck that she acknowledged the nudge for something more which helped her not just survive but thrive during the hardest time of her life. Laurice shares the journey of losing her husband and how realizing she had a choice over her circumstance gave her the power she needed to show up when life was not great.
We talked about acting in a way that your future self will thank you for, how giving hope is not always the kind thing to do and the discernment of knowing if one is searching for answers or running from the truth. We talked about how no matter what our circumstances are, no one can take away our choice over our thoughts, actions and memories and how acknowledging a nudge or spark in our life that we want something more is not selfish, it’s our responsibility.
Listen here on iTunes and if you liked this podcast, I would love for you to share with a friend who it could impact! Also leaving a review helps this podcast get in front of more people so please leave a review if this podcast has helped you!
Man, you ever get taken down by something so simple you're almost embarrassed to admit it? Insert me raising my hand.
Yesterday my keyboard went out and I had to borrow Katie's Norwegian one until I can find a new one. Felt pretty proud of myself for thinking of it as an option and got to work then couldn't figure out how to type a ?.
Yes you read that right, a ?.
Up to the point I had an A + day. I watched the DNC, had a good workout and a successful in person meeting but in that moment I felt a shift. I was frustrated and felt derailed.
It was more than not just being able to type a ? and I knew it.
It was feeling like I was behind.
It was feeling the overwhelm of an already too packed day.
It was wondering if I would be able to get this email out.
It was worrying if I was doing enough.
Ya'll our minds can spiral so quickly especially in unprecedented times like this.
Don't discount these moments as just a silly, overreaction. Stop and take an inventory of what is at work underneath. Let them be warning signs that there is something else you need to address.
Are you tired? Are you scared? Are you overwhelmed?
Are you all of the above?
For me it was getting past the superficial frustration of a keyboard to the root of the factor, overwhelm. I was then able to look back on what I could have done better, not schedule so many items that require high energy on one day, and what I could do at that moment. A good ole 24 minute cat nap.
*please ignore all typos. sent from a Norwegian keyboard*
A couple weeks ago I got duped into a pottery class.
Well not exactly duped as I willingly signed up but duped into the life lesson I learned but I guess that's why they call them life lessons as they seem to pop up when we are open to life.
I went in thinking how relaxing it would be and I would definitely create a masterpiece and who knew maybe this would be my next hobby.Reality ≠ Expectations. Ghost movie this experience did not make.
I was definitely the student in class the teacher had to focus on. If I heard "Just a second Holly, I'll be right there" once I heard it a hundred times that day. Throwing pottery requires patience,ease and gentleness. Not exactly my strengths.
And then she said this,
"You can't force it. Be firm in where you want it to go and then be gentle and let it flow."
I have spent/spend a lot of energy trying to force things that I want for my life. I want to make things happen quickly. Mark them off my list and CONTROL all the things but it often doesn't work out or if it does it can come at a cost.
When Sonya said this I realized although it's so important to stay focused and firm on what you want, it's equally as important to let it flow and let go of some control.
That's where the magic happens.
Had I not been consumed with forcing the clay a certain way and"making it work for me" I probably would have not only created an item larger than one that can maybe hold one egg but I would have enjoyed it more.
What is it you are forcing in your life and what would it look like to pull back a little on the control and let it flow? And better yet, what will it feel like?
This is Bjørn and he started the northernmost vineyard in the world, 61.1 degrees north, and he is quite possibly the most interesting man in the world.
He had a dream to make wine out of locally grown grapes in the Sognefjord, Norway area so he did it. He ignored the people who said you can’t grow wine in Norway and stayed focus on his desire for his wine from Norway to keep up with the big dog wines of Italy and France.
He and his partner, Halldis, took us on a tour and shared the story of starting the vineyard from nothing including the little “cottage” aka shed they lived in while starting their dream. The amount of daily work they put in made me tired…as I sipped a white wine made of Solaris grapes.
As morbid as it is I kept on thinking, “What happens when Bjørn and Halldis pass away?” as there was no mention of who would take over and they aren’t spring chickens. It made me sad to think of all that hard work going away because what’s the point of a dream if there’s not a lasting legacy.
And then it hit me, maybe I was thinking about it all wrong.
Maybe the bold action of following his dream and starting a vineyard was enough for him.
Maybe he doesn’t care if it’s passed on because this was his dream, not someone else’s.
Maybe he hopes someone will take over but that fact alone didn’t stop him from starting a vineyard.
Maybe the creation is enough.
How often do we put off things we want because they don’t make sense? Or they aren’t rational? Or they are too frivolous?O r no one else will care?
Probably more often than we care to admit.
In a world of achievements and purpose and goals, maybe it’s time we take a break and create for creation sake. Write because you love to write. Sing because you love to sign. Decorate because you love to decorate. Try a new hobby because you want to try a new hobby. That longing in your heart may not be something that lasts a life time and that is AOK. Do it for you.
What is that for you?
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I posted last week about no longer making excuses for 2020 and defining what it is you want out of 2020.
Have you thought about it?
Does it seem ridiculous to even have hopes for a year that has seemed to let you down over and over? It’s like screw me once shame on you,screw me twice shame on me.
I am here to remind you it’s not.
So often we set goals or aspirations or intentions without truly thinking about how committed we are to making it happen. So that when life happens, and it always does, and we face obstacles and hardships, we start to question ourselves, our abilities and think of a million excuses on why we can’t move forward.
Back to what you want for 2020, I want you to ask yourself,"On a scale of 1-10 how committed am I to this goal?" (1 - If it happens, cool but not wanting to work much on it and 10 - I will do whatever I can to make it happen.)
Be honest with yourself. Truly think how committed you are to achieving what it is you want out of 2020.
Think about the time and work and resources it will take.Think about what you will have to give up and the growing pains. Think about feeling uncomfortable and challenged.
Think about how it is going to feel when you accomplish it.Think about not letting yourself down again. Think about the different person you will be when you stay committed to this goal.
How committed are you to this goal?
If it's a 5 or below, maybe it's time to really think if this is truly important to you? Or is it just something you think you should do?
There's no judgment in this. It's your life but before you set out on making a change you owe it to yourself to be honest about how truly committed you are to making it happen. We have a limited amount of energy and hours in the day. Choose how you spend them wisely and don’t let the obstacle of life get in your way.
If you are feeling stuck or unclear on what it is you want, message me and let’s chat. I offer complimentary discovery sessions for all new clients to experience coaching, gain clarity and create a plan to move forward.
When we don’t reset expectations after changed circumstances, we are a lot like this cute little bulldog. Sitting stubbornly, giving life the side eye as it wants to take us down a path we did not want to go down.
Resetting expectations isn't fun and I'm not telling you it should be. To be honest,it sucks but I am proud of you for embracing the suckiness. We have two options in life and if I know you, you will choose the one that moves you forward.
Now that we've taken a beat to mourn our losses and reset our expectations, What is it you want out of 2020?
I want you to think through what your top 1-3 goals are for this year and write them down. Get them out of your head and into the Universe. Go ahead, I'll wait....
Your goals may look completely different than you had originally thought.
Your goals may look less fun and more survival.
Your goals may look "small" and"insignificant". (Spoiler alert! These are often times the ones that make the biggest impact.)
Whatever they are, honor them. Make them a priority. Be accountable for what you want.
No more excuses on not moving forward in 2020. Because that would really suck.
“In the South there was a strong sense of what your future should look like. I remember thinking ‘I don’t even want to be here’. I had a hard time imagining what it would be but I knew it wasn’t what I saw around me.But It was easy to be religious and get married young. I actually don’t think I gave it much thought. I just looked around and thought that’s how we do it.”
Patti is the Founder of two companies, The Way Back Movement and Learning Reinvented, and a powerhouse of a woman but it wasn’t always like this. She was raised in the deep south in a conservative Baptist household where the options of what she saw to be a woman did not align with what she wanted. However,she still found herself on the path of marriage at 20 and a life of what she “should”do. It wasn’t until she woke up one morning and thought “it hurts to live” that her life fell apart and she was able to reconstruct it into her most true life.
She has disrupted the norm several times over her in her life and has done so with grace and transparency. In today’s episode we talk about how the safe path isn’t always safe and the bigger question of “Is safe even an option”? We talk about how following your musts over your shoulds is a key to living your truest life and that if it feels scary you are doing it right. And we talk about how believing in yourself is a life-long focus and one that requires daily focus for incremental growth.
Listen on iTunes at Chill & Grace. If you like the podcast, please leave a review as that helps other like-minded individuals like yourself find this podcast.
Expectation: a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.
We have a lot of emotion tied into our expectations so it makes sense they are hard to let go of when circumstances change and they are left unfulfilled. Often we continue to try and put the square peg into the round hole and are left angry, anxious and defeated when it doesn't workout.
If you feel like your expectations are holding you back from moving forward, the exercise below was designed to help you reset your mindset.
"My expectations for this year were to________. It now looks like it won't be possible because of _______.Accomplishing this this year was important to me because __________. I may not be able to _________ but knowing what I do now I can __________ which is important to me because __________."
To give a little more context I have included one of my biggest unmet expectations for the year.
"My expectations for this year were to have my friends and family come visit us in Norway. It now looks like it won't be possible because of the limits on foreign travel due to COVID-19. Accomplishing this this year was important to me because I wanted to share my experience with loved ones and I miss them. I may not be able to see them in person but knowing what I do now I can schedule more video calls and take videos and photos of the experience to share with them which is important to me because I want to stay connected and share the experience."
Reminding yourself why your goals/expectations are important in the first place helps you stay connected to your WHY no matter what the circumstances and expectations are.
Letting go of expectations isn't easy or fun and to be totally honest can really suck. But we can either sit in the suckiness and sadness of it or stay focused on why it was important and choose to move forward with option B. What's it for you?
Remember how full of hope we were at the beginning of 2020. All bright eyed and bushy tailed with big dreams saying things like "I'm having 2020 vision this year"!
What a difference 188 days makes. Now we're all shell shocked, hoping our pants fit and trying to figure out what's next.
Good news is we still have 177 days to change our course.
I hate to break it to you but we have to let go of what might have been, what could have been and what should have been to move forward. We can still mourn these losses but to sit in a space of "But it wasn't supposed to be this way!!!" (even whats that's #fact) doesn't serve you.
Circumstances have changed. Our expectations and plans must change as well.
Here are three questions to ask yourself to clear the slate heading into the back half of the year.
Have I mourned the losses of 2020? We've all lost something this year. From time with family to missed events to financial loss,your loss is real and valid. Sit with sadness, anger and frustration of your loss then choose to move forward. It doesn't mean we forget, we just move forward.
Have I adjusted my goals and expectations for the year?Often times we know circumstances and things have changed for us but we don't adjust our life accordingly, including goals and expectations. We try and put the square peg into the round hole. Take an honest look at where your life is now and see where you need to make adjustments.
What have I learned over the past 6 months that I can take with me? I don't want to hype up the past months too much but I know we have all learned something from it. From adaptability to slowing down we have all become aware of changes we want to implement going forward. Finding some kind of positive in the mess is a key element in moving on.
Often times our losses and frustration (as valid as they are) are such a distraction from us moving forward. Let's change that today!